Beginnings
Some beginnings are more beginning-y than others
Hi. I’m Jen. I like cartoons. I love cartoons. I love them so much I made them my job.
When I decided to pivot my animation career from production management more towards creative development four years ago, the prospect of being a beginner again was exciting. There was a part of me that felt insecure about starting over, about societal expectations of where I should be in my career at my age. But the chance to learn was too appealing. While that journey (and those feelings) are still a work-in-progress, I now have so much more exposure and knowledge that I want to use, synthesize, and articulate. I’ve always been one to chase my curiosities, but sharing them has been slow to start.
This is a new beginning, but not an unfamiliar one. Over the years, I’ve dabbled in social media, and various forms of writing, art, and audio and video production. But then the imposter syndrome would creep in, and faced with the irony of not wanting to be perceived, the momentum would slow to a stop despite the amount of effort it took to start. I’ve struggled a lot with self-perception, particularly when it comes to believing in and sharing my interests and work, and the vulnerability and confidence inherently required.
After nearly a decade of therapy, a few choice books, a Buddhist husband, and the slow acceptance that the reality of my impending death in a world where meaning can only be created by ourselves, derived out of the meaninglessness of it all… things are finally looking up for me! I am serious! It’s freeing, if you manage to let it be. Getting to continue experiencing! living! aging! is such a privilege. And I’ve been limiting myself. It’s with these ongoing lessons and the time that has passed gone forever now finally etched heavy into my bones that I begin again.
So, cartoons!
The US animation industry isn’t what it was when I entered it eleven years ago, and hell, it isn’t what it was even four years ago when I made this leap and cross-country move. I’ve found myself craving more beginnings in response to the times. I’ve been fortunate and privileged to still be able to pursue this career, but I’ve also been incredibly frustrated by the lack of control I’ve had over the majority of it, forever at the whims of industry trends, lack of information, hell, middle management.
The only guarantee is change. Knowing this, one tries to anticipate where we’re headed, learn new skills, and create different pathways. I’ve always been a very proactive employee, but I haven’t always been as dynamic with my own work. I get caught up worrying if I’m good enough instead of accepting that I may not be, probably won’t be—DEFINITELY WON’T BE—and I certainly won’t improve with inaction.
Animation has been a constant in my life since I was born, if the Baby Mickey Mouse and Friends wall stickers in my nursery are anything to go by. I’ve championed animation for years but have spent so many years getting in my head about simply sharing things that I love or am excited about, or even just simple observations or opinions, heck, frustrations. I want to write about things I don’t understand and see if I can’t figure it out by the last paragraph. I want to hone my muscle memory and voice so that ideation becomes far more natural. I’d been so afraid of looking dumb. I felt more comfortable with strangers reading my words than people in my life. It’s been embarrassingly, frustratingly debilitating. Ego death and all that. It’s illogical and silly. It comes from a protective but outdated part of our brains. I still catch myself getting caught up in such feelings; I am nothing if not a work-in-progress. But I want a little more agency for myself, more opportunities to both delight in and lament the art I’ve gone and made a huge part of my personality.
More than any other media—any other art form really—animation is limitless. I know that sounds corny as fuck, but like, it is. As an artistic medium, you can express imagery and concepts that only the imagination could hope to match, and convey even more meaning and emotion through movement, music, and sound. Things that live-action wishes it could show, it relies on animation via CG and VFX, if at all, and to varying degrees of success. Games I think are right up there with the deepest ability to literally immerse you in a story, a world, a character’s psyche (though I’d argue gameplay itself can be distracting if not the means to an end). Animation is a weird medium and it’s a weirder industry (weirder not always being used complementary here, to be very clear). It’s the most heavily commercialized art form, I’d again argue. It’s been stigmatized, pigeon-holed, short-changed, disrespected, elevated, revered, and transformed again and again and again.
I wanna talk about that. I want to figure out what that looks like here.
Came back to read this again. Looking forward to more of your writing!
Sounds great! I'm going through something similar myself, trying to do something with my career during this low point in the world of animation and realizing it requires a lot of self reflection. I've subscribed to you, can't wait to learn more about your journey. Would love to see a post showing some of your animations!